A Woman Without a Party

I am a conservative woman who has been working in politics for the past ten years. In fact, most of my friends or people who know me would probably describe me in that way. I absolutely love to talk about politics, and I love to vote. These past few months, however, I have found that both of these topics bring me intense anxiety.During these past four years, I have felt a little guilty about not working for the current administration. I look at women my own age traveling on Air Force One and attending International Summits, and can't help but feel a little jealous. But at the same time, there has always been something holding me back. A mentor of mine always said it's not what you work for, it's who you work for that molds you, and that voice in the back of my mind made me apprehensive.As these four years have gone by, I have watched our conversations unravel. What I have seen has left me feeling disheartened with our political system. I am still stunned when I see President Trump name-calling people or flip-flopping on political issues. But what made me more stunned were his policies, and how quickly Americans got onboard with issues that were anti-conservative. Surely, someone would step up and call him out, but senators and congressmen, instead, got in-line, eager to go to the White House and maybe get a retweet. I understand this will help their election, but I thought after years of public service, they and their constituents would be a little more steadfast about their core beliefs. I also understand their argument that at least it's still better than what the Democrats would have passed. But if you give up your position on one key issue, where does it stop?And then, it got worse. These same senators and congressmen were taking on Trump's rhetoric. Name-calling, heckling, ad hominem attacks. It's as if they decided to let Trump completely redefine their party, and redefine them. The same is seen throughout the Trump administration, and from Trump supporters.But then, as I took another step back, I also saw it from the other side. I see it from politicians, major organizations and super-pacs, insults that would get you serious detention in high school. The insults pack so much shame into them, a feeling that you don't belong. I understand the nature of campaigns, but we, as a country, have reached a new level. And even worse, is that it has now trickled down into our political conversations. Whenever I speak to a Democrat and tell them I am a Republican, they just assume I'm a Trump supporter without me saying anything. I've had some pretty nasty insults said, even sometimes to my face. One woman told me I was illiterate, others would say behind my back that I was stupid. They never even bothered to ask me what I believed or stood for, they just assumed, and attacked me on a personal level.These assumptions, I believe, are a core problem within our current political system. They are a result of a pack mentality that is based out of fear. It's me versus you, if you're not with us, you're against us. As election day comes closer, I feel this most intensely. Because as a Republican, I actually have been an undecided voter until about a week ago, and am still leaving some room to have my mind changed. But as I have been thinking about my decision to vote for Joe Biden, I have felt the weight that comes with betraying your own party. Given the current atmosphere, I will never be accepted by people who call me illiterate to my face, but I will also risk losing the acceptance of Trump supporters. I will be a woman without a party, with no seat at the table, and that is an uncomfortable place to rest. This, however, is the same reason why we are so divided.We should not be in a place as a country where someone loses their job based on their political opinions or beliefs. We shouldn't be afraid to express ourselves, or to form our own decision how to vote. With a 24-hour news cycle and a mob mentality on social media, it feels like an onslaught of information all the time, perpetuating the idea of me versus you. The reason I am voting for Biden has nothing to do with a change in my conservative beliefs, I am still very much that. It actually has to do with the way the Trump campaign has been attacking Hunter Biden. That is my issue. That is my reason to vote. Every person is entitled to that, and it is a central point of our democratic system. By the way, I still hope the Senate keeps the Republican majority, and we retake the House. And guess what? That is okay. A little balance of power might help us catch a breath, and restructure how we talk to each other.My hope from the results of this election is that we can check ourselves as Americans. I am diving into this space, and I hope that others will too. Independent thoughts, acceptance of others' political beliefs, a willingness to understand, to learn, to agree and to disagree. Debate that isn't a screaming match, but a platform to change our minds, or become more certain of what we believe. I don't want to live in fear anymore, and I don't want to be divided. The question now is, do you?

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