“We Have So Much to Learn From the Young People Around Us”
Of all the roles and responsibilities of my life, parenting has been my master class in courage. I watched in awe the countless times our sons stepped into the unknown, attempted the impossible, made mistakes and learned from them, and persevered toward the horizons only they could see.
Now I am watching our grandchildren do the same.
I wrote my most recent book, We Can Be Brave, because I realized that we make some of the most consequential decisions of our lives when we are young. Think of it: nearly every day of their early years, our children and grandchildren learn to do something they’ve never done before—be it learning to walk, entering a classroom alone, facing a long recovery from illness or accident, or standing up for themselves in a decisive moment.
Adolescents are called to be brave in even more consequential ways, as they make choices that will help shape the adults they will become. They catch a glimpse of the work for which they are best suited and bring them the most joy. They learn the painful, yet critically important lessons of failure and how to begin again. In small and sometimes enormous leaps of self-differentiation, they learn who they are in relation to the parents who raised them. They may embrace some of our worldview but not all of it.
Spiritually, adolescence and young adulthood are seasons of intense testing, exploration, and often profound mystical encounters. How they interpret those experiences is of vital consequence. Here, as the adults who love them, we can be the most helpful — not by imposing our interpretations, but by deep listening and offering the treasures of our spiritual heritage: stories, metaphors, and teachings that can give them the courage to continue on the unique path God sets before them.
Our children and grandchildren are growing up today in an unsteady and confusing world. As their elders, our task is to pour as much as we have into their well-being–and not only the young people in our families, but all those in our communities of faith, neighborhoods and schools.
Sometimes it feels as if we have little to offer, given that we, too, are struggling to find our way. When hope is something we have to dig deep for, being there for our children and grandchildren can be challenging.
But here’s the astonishing truth: the greatest gift we can give is to remind them of all the ways that they have already learned how to be brave, and to encourage them to trust their inner light that will guide them, no matter what lies ahead. Believing in them helps us to believe in ourselves, and to trust that the same light is there for us, too.
Here are three of the many lessons I have learned from my children and grandchildren.
#1: The bravest step we take is the first. Whenever we’re faced with a daunting task, something that feels impossible, we aren’t expected to know everything that’s needed, or be able to accomplish all that’s being asked of us. All we need do is take the first faithful step, and then another, and another after that. The brave path requires daily courage and humility, because it is through small steps of faithfulness, stumbling as we go, that we learn to be brave and step up to the challenges before us.
#2: Mistakes, disappointments, and failure are not measures of our worth. On the contrary, we learn our most important lessons in life when we pick ourselves up from these painful experiences, learn from them, and keep going.
#3: We can ask for help. We weren’t created to live this life alone. As Mr. Rogers reminded children and adults alike, in scary situations, “look for the helpers.” Sometimes, we are the ones to help. Moreover, God is not a passive presence in our lives. Jesus walked this earth to show how to live and how to love, and to assure us that the worst things that happen do not have the final word. He is with us always, to inspire, forgive, and empower us to love as he loves, forgive as he forgives, and to help us find our way in challenging times.
We have so much to learn from the young people around us. They remind us that courage is forged in the small, brave steps we take every day. They also need us to be a loving presence in their lives. As the Swedish novelist Fredrick Backman writes, “The world is full of miracles, but none greater than how far a young person can be carried by someone else’s belief in them.”
Looking in the eyes of my grandchildren, I see the future. For their sake, and for that of our future, I realize that hopelessness is not an option. Learning from and with the generations to come, we can carry acts of bravery into tomorrow, and build the future we want to see.
Mariann Edgar Budde is the bishop and spiritual leader of the Episcopal Diocese of Washington, D.C., and the Washington National Cathedral.
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