Do You Know How to Talk About Your Grief? Bestselling Author Claire Bidwell Smith Says Most of Us Don’t—and Shows Us How

Loss is something that happens to us. But how we grieve is up to us. We can push away our pain and fear, distract ourselves from our sorrow and anguish, or we can choose to intentionally engage with our experience of loss by seeking support and making space for our grief.

But sometimes, this is easier said than done when the people around us fail to acknowledge our grief. So often, the people around us invalidate our losses by failing to talk about them, trying to “fix” our grief, or offering platitudes full of underlying toxic positivity. When this happens, we may find ourselves shutting down, withdrawing from friends and family, and even doubting the very way we feel.

Ironically, it becomes up to the grieving person to educate those around them on how to respond to grief and loss and, perhaps more importantly, how to talk about it. But changing the culture of grief begins with language. Here’s how to protect yourself from unwanted advice and platitudes and how to help others talk with you about your loss.

How to Talk about Your Grief

It’s highly probable that, wherever you are in your grief journey, you could make a list of all the helpful and unhelpful things people have said and done for you since your loss occurred. Most people are forced to confront their own fears about death when they are trying to support someone who is grieving. 

If they have been there themselves, then most of the time they understand what you are experiencing (to a point), and they are able to offer helpful wisdom and provide solace. But for those people in your life who are not acquainted with the kind of grief you are experiencing, it’s not uncommon for them to react in ways that feel hurtful. 

Being a companion to someone who is grieving requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to be open. It means being open to your experience and to their own feelings at the same time. A helpful companion is able to assume a role of curiosity rather than judgment. 

But too often you will find people who are uncomfortable and do not know what to say. They may find it difficult to talk about your loss. They may attempt to find ways to make you feel better or offer generic platitudes. They may expect you to want to move on, or to get over your loss. They may ask you to focus on good things in a presentation of toxic positivity. All of these methods, and more, usually have the opposite effect of what they intend—they create feelings of doubt, insecurity, and shame for the person who is grieving. 

It’s impossible to avoid negative interactions with others when you are grieving, but it’s up to you to set boundaries and to let people know what you need. Take measures to check in with yourself about how much you are internalizing. Give yourself permission to feel hurt and angry with others, but then find healthy outlets to process those feelings. Vent to people who get it, journal, or talk to your therapist or grief group about these experiences. 

Above all, check in with yourself. 

Ask yourself: 

• Do I feel comfortable being vulnerable with this person?
• Do I want to talk about my loss?
• Do I feel this is the right moment and/or place for me to have this discussion?

It’s always your choice how, when, and with whom you talk about your loss. Justifications and apologies are not necessary. How you tell the story of your loss is entirely up to you. How much detail and what is off-limits is also entirely up to you. Don’t hesitate to opt out of conversations that feel disrespectful or overwhelming. 

Ask yourself: 

• What won’t I tolerate?
• What triggers am I willing to address in the moment?
• Which triggers are too charged to engage with?

Try using these prompts when you feel unable to talk about your grief: 

• I’m sorry but this conversation is hard for me. Do you mind if we move on to something else?
• This conversation is triggering a lot of my grief and I need to take a break.
• Thank you for asking about my loss, but I am not ready to talk about it.
• I appreciate you acknowledging my loss, but I am not ready to talk about it.
• Write your own sentence . . .

As the grieving person, you know best what you need. If you’re able, communicate your needs to those around you.

Use these suggestions or make your own list:

• Drop off meals
• Have groceries delivered
• Take out the trash
• Housecleaning
• Take care of pets
• Pick up prescriptions
• Help with transportation
• Help with research and planning
• Help with the funeral/memorial
• Check on me daily
• Listen without giving advice
• Support me through a difficult anniversary

You can also write a letter or make a list of ways you’d like friends and family to talk with you about your loss. Share it with them, letting them know things like: 

• I’d love for you to tell me when you are thinking of my person.
• It feels good to hear other people tell stories about my person.
• Please don’t ask me about their illness or death.
• Please don’t ask me how I’m doing—just assume I’m still grieving.
• I love hearing my person’s name.
• It helps when you send me a note simply letting me know that you are thinking of me.
• It would help if you checked on me around holidays and anniversaries.

Changing the culture around grief means that it is up to those of us who understand what it means to live with loss to educate others on how to talk about it and how to support someone who is grieving. But that’s also a heavy burden to carry when you are in such a vulnerable place, and it shouldn’t be one that you feel required to do. Maybe educating others feels right in certain moments or with certain people, and in other moments you simply choose to take care of yourself by conserving your energy and moving on. 

As you continue to grieve in conscious ways, the ability to own your feelings comes naturally, and you will find yourself developing your own ways of asking for help and navigating conversations. Note this as positive growth. You are learning to live with loss.

Reflection

Make a list of all the most helpful things people have said to you, and reflect on why and how you can ask for more of this from them.

Original introduction for The Sunday Paper, followed by an excerpt from Conscious Grieving: A Transformative Approach to Healing from Loss by Claire Bidwell Smith, copyright ©2024. Used with permission of Workman, a division of Workman Publishing Co., Inc., a subsidiary of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

Claire Bidwell Smith is a therapist specializing in grief. She is the author of The Rules of Inheritance, After this: When Life is Over Where Do We Go?, and Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief. Learn more at clairebidwellsmith.com.