Life Feels Noisier Than Ever These Days
It's a misfortune for many of us these days: the sheer chaos of life. Our days are packed with a cacophony of headlines and must-dos, all topped off with angst and doubt. In addition to the messiness, it's common to fall into a cycle of blaming our problems on external circumstances and pointing to others for why we feel held back or uneasy.
But there is hope, says Scott Barry Kaufman, PhD. As a cognitive scientist, Kaufman's mission is to help people see it. His numerous books focus on growth, gently guiding us to tap into our power—and his latest, Rise Above, is what we need most right now. Kaufman compiles two decades of research on self-actualization and meaning to show us how to do precisely as the title says.
What makes Kaufman's work accessible is how real it is. He doesn't push an overly optimistic just-be-happy approach but illuminates the most significant ingredient for an empowered life: the fact that we have a choice. We can choose where we put our energy; from there, we can rise above the noise and see our lives blossom. We spoke with him recently to garner his wisdom on where to start.
A Victim Mindset Keeps Us Stuck
What is a victim mindset? Kaufman defines it as the tendency to blame your problems on the outside world, "whether it's that life dealt you a bad hand, or that a person or even an entire group of people have it in for you and are holding you back." This tendency, which Kaufmann says is "very human," can lead you to obsessively think about past trauma or that you don't need to take responsibility for your actions or reactions. "And it means you rarely think about—and this is the most important part—solutions or ways of moving forward with your life with hope and purpose."
Kaufman emphasizes that a victim mindset is different from victimization. "You can be a victim without having a victim mindset. You can also not have been a victim and have a victim mindset," he says. "You can also have a trauma without being traumatized." This is about a mindset.
Empowerment Comes from Shifting Our Focus
Identifying with your victimhood is not an empowering way to live, argues Kaufman. What is empowering, however, is to identify with the parts of you that are not broken—"to identify with your character strengths and to lead with your character strengths, your talents, and your creativity," he says. "There are all sorts of things you can do to refocus on the light within yourself."
Real Life Isn't About Being Happy All the Time
One of the first realizations toward seeing your light is seeing "that no one's coming to save you," says Kaufman. This may sound negative, but it's quite freeing. So many of us feel that everything should always go our way. "But that's not life," adds Kaufman. "There are givens of human existence that we need to accept."
To Find More Joy, Open Your Sails
Kaufman sees life as a vast ocean, abundant with experiences and opportunities to find deeper meaning and self-discovery. There is also fear and uncertainty. To illustrate the journey of life, he came up with his "sailboat" model (which he first presented in his book, Transcend). When setting sail, you need "a clear vision of what port you want to sail to and then take actions to sail closer to there," he says. Know where you want to go. Embrace where you are headed and channel your efforts toward that.
Now, just like the ocean, life is uncertain. "Once you open your sail, you are going to be vulnerable to winds and waves, which you can't control," adds Kaufman. "But you can keep choosing the growth option and overcome the fear response. It takes active work. Our default state is learned helplessness. But you actually have to learn hope—and can." This moves us toward growth and rising above.
And If You're Scared to Leave the Port...
That is okay! You may find yourself stuck in your boat, with your immediate needs compromised.
When that happens, Kaufman says to focus on "plugging the boat and making sure you're getting the water out." He adds that being attentive to your most pressing needs at the moment is actually the growth choice option.
Life is not a mountain that we climb and suddenly get to the top and stop needing to attend to our needs. Quite the contrary. Life is always filled with obstacles. Our needs always need to be met. And we will always face fear. "The best you can do in life is have self-compassion for yourself and your needs, while always remembering that you can keep choosing the growth option."
As Kaufman says, it is our choice to rise above. No matter the noise and the obstacles we face, and the messiness of being human, we can always lean toward curiosity, compassion, and growth.
Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D is a psychologist, coach, professor, keynote speaker, and best-selling author passionate about helping people live creative, fulfilling, and self-actualized lives. He is also a professor of psychology at Columbia University, director of the Center for Human Potential, and host of the "The Psychology Podcast." Learn more here.
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