Navigating the "Wilderness of Healing"

You've likely heard the quote, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him about your plans." I've laughed over this myself, especially as I sit here and reflect months after my baptism and other massive life experiences. Leading up to my baptism and immediately after that very spiritual day, I couldn't stop smiling. I had spent years focusing on giving my best as I attended church every Sunday, met new people, and shared my experiences of faith publicly. It turns out, however, that my baptism was just the beginning of some very hard life lessons. That is when God really put me to work. In truth, he put me to work on myself. 

When I emerged from the water that day, I was surrounded by a packed church filled with friends, some of whom dated back to elementary school. It was extra significant for me as a gay man, as it felt like everyone in the world showed up for me. I felt joy, just as I did on my wedding day. As the weeks passed, my mind began to shift, and I started to reexamine and reevaluate areas of my life through a new lens. 

Last winter presented some tough obstacles. A situation reactivated some deep trauma in me, leaving me feeling so hurt and disrespected that it knocked me down mentally. If you've ever experienced a traumatic moment or suffered with PTSD, you know what that loop feels like. It's like a train circling the same track, constantly thinking about worst-case scenarios, withdrawing, struggling to trust, and yearning for a sense of safety. (And, again, I had been at such a high in my life, so this low was crushing.) Thankfully, my husband knows how to be present with me during these times. As my partner of 17 years, he has grown to be exceptionally good at sitting in the same space with me and offering me unconditional support. My healing from that experience grew when I started to figure out what worked for me and what didn't.

I share all this with you because we often carry this idea about what life will look like, especially after major milestones or turning points in our spiritual journey. However, when disappointment, pain, or reactivated trauma hits, it can feel like there's no way out. I hope that something in this article brings you peace, even if only for a moment. If one sentence helps you breathe easier or makes you feel less alone, then mission accomplished.

Here are some things that helped me navigate the wilderness of healing:

#1: Set Boundaries

This has always been challenging for me, especially as someone who has spent a lifetime trying to please others. For those of us who've had to come out of the closet or navigate early trauma, we're used to putting everyone else first. That makes setting boundaries feel impossible. Through this past season, I learned to listen to my intuition even more, while also setting the tone on who I let into my world and how I want to spend my time. I encourage you to make setting boundaries a priority in your life, just as you do with brushing your teeth. You can start slowly, especially when it comes to saying no to plans or not wanting to do something you really don't want to do. You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you feel, nor should anyone tell you how to feel. Keep your responses brief if you need more time or want to set the right tone on your terms. You also don't have to respond to every text. No response is still a response, and it can be a valid one.

#2: Create a Safe Circle

Whenever you have to question a person in your life, I want you to ask yourself, "Do they have your best interest?" That question should help guide you in building a safe circle of friends who love you unconditionally. If you have to really think about it, then I think you already know your answer. Your tribe should be peaceful, gossip free, and definitely no signs of toxicity. A safe circle of support should include an energy where you don't feel judged or told how you should feel. I encourage you to be around people who take accountability, respect your silence, and accept your point of view without gossiping behind your back. 

#3: Prioritize Health and Fitness

I've never been a diehard fitness enthusiast, but this season pushed me to care for my body as much as I care for my mind. I started working out consistently, and I'm not talking about a kale-only kind of diet, but rather one focused on strength and concentration. Those natural endorphins are key to getting through a storm and avoiding foods that make you feel sluggish (although chocolate croissants still have a place in my heart). It's about building a routine and sticking to a consistent goal. 

#4: Don't Lose Faith

Ironically, my church opened the door to both answered prayers and hard lessons. During my time of healing, I leaned into my church community, but I also learned the importance of having my one-on-one time with God. If you're struggling in any way, please don't abandon your faith. If you believe in God, please know that he will help you find your way. He always has. He always will.

#5: Communicate

I over-communicate when it comes to my feelings. It helped me in my writing, but not everyone is wired this way. If that's you, don't worry about expressing yourself perfectly. You don't need the right words all the time. If you're talking to someone in your safe circle, they'll get it and even help you find a solution. People often stay quiet out of fear of judgment or disappointing others. But,  the right people will get when you need time, space, or silence. True friends will wait for you, whether that means when you are ready to talk, or simply not at all. 

#6: Finding That Safe Landing 

When I first met my now husband, it took me a good ol' year and some change to open up about some trauma I experienced in my life. His upbringing and earlier life experiences were different from mine. Perhaps that's part of what drew me to him. He was safe. I often say, "I know this sounds dramatic, but my husband Nick saved my life." No, not from a burning building, but by showing me what peace looks like and what safety and consistency means. For anyone who's experienced early trauma, remember that a traumatic moment (or moments) is part of your life; it never vanishes, but how we cope through it and what we've accomplished after should be looked at as a true achievement. 

Don't be ashamed or carry reactivated pain alone. Things in our life will not always go as expected. You will get through it, and the best way out is with the right support. It will help turn those hard moments into manageable minutes. What true love can do is simply remarkable. 

Matt Jacobi-Caprio is a writer known for his powerful advocacy on mental health, faith, and equality. His work has sparked global conversations and encouraged change. He and his husband Nick gained international attention for their viral "Same-Sex Barbie Wedding Set," leading to an inspiring meeting with Mattel. With a background in television, media, and leadership, he works in communications where he continues his mission to uplift and break barriers. Learn more at mattjacobicaprio.com