Want to Have No Regrets When You Die?

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As a death doula, I hear the words “I am” at the bedside of the dying all the time. People say, “I am so proud of you” or “I am so grateful to be your mom” or “I am going to miss you.” Mostly the words are followed by heartfelt sentiment of love, but not always.

Recently I was sitting with a woman who said to me, “I am not yet ready to die. I’ve spent my whole life caring for others, and honestly, I don’t even know who I am.”

I left her home that afternoon contemplating my own life, my relationships, my purpose, my dreams, and how I spend my time. I committed to slowing down just a little bit more and giving myself those extra moments each day to remember who I am, without the fast-paced world defining me and interfering with how I want to show up and live my life.

Many of us ask ourselves some version of the question, “Who am I?” Maria Shriver recently inspired all of us to contemplate the topic in her instant bestseller, I Am Maria, a journey through her life in poetry and prose. Maria’s willingness to take a deep dive into her life, to be so real, raw, and honest, and then to allow this journey to set her free prompted me to not only answer “Who am I?” but to ask a follow-up: Who would I be if I allowed myself to feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, brave enough, strong enough, and worthy of a life filled with goodness and joy?

Recently, I began journaling and writing my own short stories and reflective poems with a sense of freedom and truth that left me in awe at the many undiscovered parts of myself. My short daily writings revealed passions, heartaches, emotions, and dreams that I had never allowed myself to feel. It occurred to me that it might have been impossible for anyone else to know me intimately and honestly if I had never taken the time to get to know myself first.

And then I wondered about everyone else. Who are you? Who are you without the judgment, the opinions, or the self-inflicted need to constantly please others? Who are you when you stop rushing through life and take a moment to pause in front of the mirror and truly look at yourself? Who are you without the clothes, the makeup, the car, the things, the façade, or even the desire for the world to see you a certain way? Who are you when you are vulnerable and broken? Who are you when you are strong, empowered, and filled with energy to take on the world?

Just as Maria discovered, there is no one definition of “you.” There are many aspects of you, and you change. You change with love, success, travel, and joyful relationships. You change with heartbreak, disappointment, grief, and loss. You change with life experiences and especially with the passage of time.

We were born innocent, fearless, and free. We were curious, vulnerable, and loud. We didn’t hide our feelings or make excuses for our behavior. We were fully present and freely expressed our needs and our wishes. No holding back. We arrived and boldly let the world know we were here. So, when did we cower? When did we hide? When did we start to make ourselves small?

Perhaps it all changed when the mirror became not just a reflection of our faces and our bodies, but a reflection of our flaws, our imperfect truth, our longing, and our self-worth. How different this life would be without mirrors that often fill us with shame, doubt, and insecurity, but instead reflected back the glowing beauty that resides in us all.

We are simply human, all trying to find our way in this hurting world. We have our highs and lows, our ups and downs. We experience love and grief, joy and sorrow, success and something we call failure. We gain and we lose. We laugh and we cry. We are complex and unique individuals, born with a right to love and be loved, and to live and experience all the emotions that life has to offer us.

“I am…” has certainly changed over the years for me. Sometimes I might say, “I am grateful for my family and friends,” or “I am worried,” or “I am in awe of the spring flowers.” 

What about you?  How have you completed the sentence “I am ….” as the decades have passed? How would you complete it today?  If you completed the sentence “I am…” every single day, your answers would reveal the depth of your being.

As a death doula, I ask my clients to complete this sentence often. It lets me know how they may be feeling, what we may need to work on together, or what is brewing in their hearts. Here are some of their responses when I asked my clients to complete the sentence “I am …”

I am alive and can still experience joy. 

I am hungry. 

I am a mother, daughter, sister, and friend. 

I am a child of the universe. 

I am looking forward to a better world. 

I am pissed off. 

I am deeply in love. 

I am filled with regrets.

I am afraid to leave.

I am exhausted, but hopeful.

I am here to give and receive love.

I am beautiful, worthy, and more than enough.

I am doing my best to be present each moment.

I am recalling all the years of my life, one by one.

I am wanting to see my family.

I am dying.

People who are dying are raw and real. There is no time to waste, no time to hide. What if we all lived like that?

The practice of asking my clients to complete this “I am …” sentence came from a longer exercise I used with patients years ago, when I worked in a drug and alcohol rehabilitation clinic. Many people had buried themselves in their addiction and had lost sight of who they were. Part of my job was to help those inner feelings to rise to the top again so they could rediscover their true essence and remember that underneath their addiction, they are strong, capable, beautiful, and able to face the world again—whole and with an understanding of who they are, and who they used to be before the world got to them and took away their innocence, purpose, and joy in life.

This poem is one of my creative and simple ways to check in with myself. Sometimes I do it daily for a month. The answers change every single time I sit down to write. You might try it this week.

I Am

Today, I am…              

I wonder…     

I believe…

I feel…

I dream…

Today, I am… Repeat from above.

If you begin this poem and find you are using negative words and painting a picture which is not what you really want for yourself, I suggest you hit the pause button and reflect on a new way of “seeing” who you are. Be honest with yourself. Sometimes we are hurting, but other times we are hurting ourselves. If appropriate, be more positive and consider what you want your life to look like and feel like. And try it again. 

This poem is a “present moment” exercise, designed to be revisited on a regular basis. If you complete this poem repeatedly, you will notice yourself changing and growing over time. It’s wonderful to keep a record of these poems to look back over time and reflect upon the many ways you have redefined yourself and your one beautiful life.

Remember, we were all born innocent, fearless, and free. So how do we get back to that peaceful, curious, joyful place? What if we could all take a cue from Maria Shriver and pause, be still, reflect on our lives, tend to our hearts, and do our own personal work.

Hopefully we will all emerge anew—wise, fearless, and free.

Diane Button is an end-of-life doula, an educator, and an author. Her latest book, What Matters Most: Lessons the Dying Teach Us About Living is available now to preorder for release on September 16th. The “I Am” exercise is from the Companion Guide to her best-selling book Dear Death: Finding Meaning in Life, Peace in Death, and Joy in an Ordinary Day.