Our souls are inherently free and our true nature is love. And we also have ego minds that orient us towards self-preservation, lack, and competition. The ego drives us to accumulate clutter. Clutter is anything that is out of alignment with our soul nature of peace, expansiveness, joy, connection, love, and letting go. In Part 3 of this series, we focus on relationship clutter. Here are some examples of how relationship clutter may show up in your life:
- I often feel less than, unworthy, or not good enough.
- I have a hard time accepting myself and others.
- I think I know what's best for other people.
- I don't feel connected to loved ones who have passed.
Who Is at The Wheel?Let's be very clear. Letting go of relationship clutter is not about tossing people out like old pairs of shoes. It's about getting curious if our relationships honor our soul self, and noticing when we are relating ego to ego, versus soul to soul.When the ego is in the driver's seat, we relate from fear and separation. If conflict, competing, or power struggles are the norm in your relationships, your ego likely has a tight grip on the wheel. When you fail to treat another human as the
being they are, your ego is present in that moment of relationship. In contrast, when the soul is in the driver's seat, we relate from safety and connection. If your relationships are characterized by harmony, interdependence, collaboration, and compassion, your soul is at the wheel. When you treat someone with kindness, acceptance, and neutrality, your soul is present for that relationship moment.Here are four ways to bring more soul to your relationships.
Know Who You Are Our relationship with ourselves is our primary relationship and informs our other relationships. When we relate to ourselves as souls in human bodies, we recognize that just by being here on this planet, we are necessary and inherently worthy. We know we belong, and our unique light is needed to illuminate the world. We remember we are all spiritual beings, all connected, and, at our core, the same. We understand we are interdependent on each other and the earth itself.Knowing our soul makes us less susceptible to the ego, which relentlessly tries to convince us that we are not enough, others are not enough, and there is not enough. Try this simple practice. When you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and greet yourself as the wise, eternal, connected, loving
being you really are. Imagine yourself expanding beyond your fear, your striving, your petty conflicts, and all the things you think you need. Stand tall and affirm 'I am here for one purpose– to share my love with the world in my unique ways.” Watch how life changes when you regularly
re-mind yourself about the truth of who you are, and the truth of who everyone else is too.
Build Your Self-Love MusclesIf you observe closely, you might notice that many of your everyday thoughts, feelings and actions don't reflect a heart that loves itself. For example, do you criticize yourself harshly? Do you disregard your own needs? Do you look for others to give you what you want, and end up disappointed when they don't? Self-love is not a big, lofty thing. It happens in a moment. To love yourself better, focus on what you can give to yourself. Take a rest when you feel tired. Eat some carrots instead of carrot cake. Say what you want to say instead of what you think someone else wants to hear. Be willing to say yes and receive with gratitude. Put your dirty clothes in the hamper rather than on the floor. Take a few minutes to do something for yourself before you tend to someone else. These are all radical acts of self-love. They build your self-love muscles and get you in shape to love others more freely.
Hold the SpaceDo you judge how others live their lives, or give unsolicited advice? Do you try to solve problems that aren't yours to solve? Do you enable others to avoid the consequences of their actions? When we interfere in someone else's life, our ego is at the wheel, masquerading as our soul self. Interfering has unintended, ego-affirming impact. It sends a message to the other person that we don't trust them, or life itself. It implies they don't have the wisdom and resources to deal with life their way.Get curious about how you presume to know what's best for someone else. Pay attention to where you get embroiled in other people's business or offer help that may not actually be helpful. To release this kind of relationship clutter, take a big step back. Be with others with your presence, not your solutions. Speak to them in your soul voice, rather than one that mirrors their ego mind; chastising, criticizing, fearing, doubting. Trust them to be their own authority and make their own decisions. Soften into acceptance of their choices. Trust life enough to know that whatever they do will ultimately contribute to their soul's growth. As we hold space for others in this way, we release ego-relating and enter soul relating.
Connect with the Unseens The ego will argue that if we can't see it, smell it, hear it, taste it, or touch it, it doesn't exist. But the larger truth is that as souls, we are born of a bigger, unseen reality. In certain moments, we transcend the material world and touch the unseen world. We experience things we can't explain with our ego minds. We whisper to our friends about them: 'Wasn't that a strange coincidence?” or 'That butterfly was a sign from my mom–I just know it.” Then our ego tries to convince us we're making it up.A mysterious, eternal web of connection holds us all. Souls never die, they simply continue in a new form. Now your ego might have you believing that the people in your life who have died are gone, and your relationship is over. But if you embrace your inner soul wisdom, you can maintain relationships with those who have left the body, even as you miss them and long to feel them in the flesh.Take a moment right now to come present and think of a loved one who has passed. Sit quietly and imagine them next to you, or in front of you, or behind you. Feel their presence, their energy. And then open the lines of communication. Talk with them in your thoughts or out loud. Write a letter to them or let them write a letter to you. Ask them for whatever you need– guidance, support, or a sign about your best way forward in life. When we drop into soul relating, we can feel our loved ones there, patiently waiting to connect with us from the spirit world.
Enjoy More Relationship FreedomAs you declutter, hold up whatever you find in your relationship closet to the light of the questions from Part 1 of the series.
Does this relationship or way of relating contribute to my soul intention? Is it beautiful? Is it useful? Does it love me back? Is it in present time? Does it have a sacred place to live? Does it help me serve my love to the world? Remember, the ego mind is part of our human experience, but not all of who we are. When we are willing to stand in our soul nature and act from it moment by moment, we are on the road to freedom.
To read more of Peggy Fitzsimmons advice, read her piece on Releasing Mental Clutter here. This essay was featured in the April 18, 2021 edition of The Sunday Paper. The Sunday Paper publishes News and Views that Rise Above the Noise and Inspires Hearts and Minds. To get The Sunday Paper delivered to your inbox each Sunday morning for free, click here to subscribe.
