Remembering Mom on Mother's Day

For a woman who has lost her mother, Mother's Day is often a painful reminder of that loss. Whether we lose our mothers to death, abandonment, or other circumstances, there are many of us out here who often feel unable to participate in the celebrations surrounding this holiday. The commercials, card displays, and gift-giving prompts can bring a lot of emotions to the surface.I lost my mother when I was eighteen. She died of cancer when I was a freshman in college, and I still remember the first Mother's Day without her. I recall the shock of how painful it felt to watch my friends celebrate their mothers, and I felt isolated, lonely and unsure of how to get through the day. It's now been more than twenty years since that first Mother's Day without her, and even though I am now a mother myself, I still feel that old tug of sadness when this time of year rolls around.Over the years, I have approached the day in different ways. I have learned that just because my mother isn't here it doesn't mean I can't honor her. Some years I post a photo of her on social media, writing the same kind of sentiments about her that my friends with living mothers express about theirs. Some years I try to ignore the day altogether. And some years I buy a card or a bouquet of flowers for her, setting them up amidst the ones I receive from my own children. Almost every year I cry, and I know that's okay, too.This year, in the age of COVID-19, whether you have experienced loss or not, you are inevitably feeling the tendrils of grief. We are grieving people who are dying all around the world. We are grieving the lives we were living just a couple of months ago, we are grieving jobs and we are grieving our children missing their classmates and graduations. And all of this grief can sometime bring older losses to the surface. That we are experiencing this collective grief is not necessarily a bad thing. This is a unique time in our history to come together and support each other.What I know about loss is that it can pare you down to your essence. It can make you remember what is important in life. Grief reminds us that our time here is finite and that what really matters is living meaningfully, and taking care of the people we love.  Whether your mother is still here or not, take a moment this Mother's Day to reflect on what it means to feel loved and nurtured, and perhaps think about how we can better do this for both ourselves and the world at large.Above all, if you are missing your mom this Mother's Day know that you are not alone. Our culture often sends the message that when we lose someone we love we need to move on and find a way to let go of them, but after a decade of working as a grief counselor I know that the real answer to finding peace within our losses is to find ways to remain connected to the people we love.There are many alternative ways to celebrate a day like Mother's Day, many ways to celebrate mothers who are not here, and many ways to honor what it means to have a mom in this world.

1. Celebrate even if she's not here. Write her a card anyway. Make a meal she would have enjoyed. Talk about her to friends and family, or post a remembrance of her on social media.
2. Take the day off. If this is a hard year for you, skip it! Draw the curtains and watch Netflix all day. Remember that this is an arbitrary date and that you do not have to participate, or you can pick your own day to honor your mother.
3. Ask your friends and family to support you. Explain how and why this is a difficult day for you and ask for those close to you to send a little extra love your way.
4. Find a community of others who understand. There are many bereavement groups out there who understand that days like this are hard. Look up Motherless Daughters or Modern Loss.
5. Honor other people who have mothered you. You can miss your own mom and also feel a deep appreciation for people who have stepped in in her place. Take time to celebrate them and express your gratitude.
6. Honor your own sense of mothering and nurturing. Use this day as one to pay homage to all the ways you've taken care of yourself, even without your mother. And if you need to up your game in that department, use today as a day to make that commitment.

Mothers are iconic and we will never stop longing for, and believing in them. No matter your relationship or circumstances, remember that motherhood comes in many forms and that there aren't always going to be cards at the drugstore that fit your story.This essay was featured in the May 10th edition of The Sunday Paper. The Sunday Paper inspires hearts and minds to rise above the noise. To get The Sunday Paper delivered to your inbox each Sunday morning for free, click here to subscribe.