Finding the “Thanks” in Thanksgiving After a Big Loss
For 30-plus years, I have been “that person” on Thanksgiving: the one who asks everyone at the table to go around and express what they’re thankful for. That’s because for 30-plus years, I have been hosting the holiday and have never—except once—volunteered to take a year off.
I love Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite day. I appreciate how it’s non-denominational and thus all-inclusive. I love that its superpower is the spirit of gathering. There is always room for you at my table, and I mean that! (And may I please add that my stuffing is perhaps my only chance ever to win an Olympic gold medal.)
Thanksgiving is the only day that has united our whole family, all from various coastlines and cities, no matter airport delays or any course of human events. The rest of the world can keep on spinning, but the last Thursday of November will always bring forth our crew, the one meal glazed with gastronomical traditions so intense that everyone “debates” what recipes to add or eliminate. Who knew that people could have such ferocious opinions about string beans?
Ahh, yes, Thanksgiving has served our blended family with an authentic, overarching togetherness. The heart of the holiday belongs to the us-ness of us—to our toasts, our handmade and occasionally artistic place cards, and the vintage silver napkin rings I have found at flea markets over the years with each person’s initials or name engraved. I get so carried away that I even drape fresh pine boughs from the corners of the ceiling and pretend we are at a country inn.
But this year, Thanksgiving will be different.
I am in the throes of a sad divorce. No fighting, no acrimonious anything sticking between us. We both know it’s for the best. But divorce is never easy for anyone in the family, especially those who never asked for it.
As this holiday approaches, I have been thinking about it a lot. The question looming in my mind is, do we have to have Thanksgiving the way we always have?
Turns out, that’s not even possible because not only is my marriage over, but the house is gone too. It sold in three days. Just like that. Ouch! That means I am unable to host this year. Instead, I will gather with family at my sister's place where I am embracing her permission NOT to cook my stuffing—or anything else!! She is in charge--and as my eldest sister, I don't dare dispute her Thanksgiving dinner.
When our house of 20 years sold, my daughter asked me, “Where’s our family home now?” I said to her, “It’s wherever we are.” Thanksgiving or not, the best tradition we have is belonging to each other. And that has nothing to do with a house or a holiday.
So, here is what I’d like to present: Can we please take off the holiday pressure and accept that sometimes the “same as it ever was” changes? In my case, my ex can be with his kin, and I with mine. It will be different, but all will be well.
Let’s all take a big Thanksgiving Day deep breath and embrace the age-old adage: The only thing we know for sure is change.
To take this a step further, how about if we take stock not of what is missing but of what we have? We have each other. We have ourselves. We have the chance to create new traditions. Let us embrace the things for which we must be most grateful: health, love, new babies, laughter, togetherness, and presence.
The country is in an unprecedented identity crisis, torn apart in ways unimagined. Political, ethical, and moral distances divide so many communities. Now, more than ever, we must make an extra effort to lean into each other and create circles of family and friends, and fellow citizens, whom we hold dearly.
I propose that we raise our glasses—regardless of what table they are upon—and be extra glad for what we have. Let’s toast not what’s lost but to the joy that can still be had amid heartbreak and differences.
Let’s honor the truth Thanksgiving extolls: That each of us can garner gratitude from within, and be glad we are alive and together, wherever and with whomever we love.
Nancy Steiner is a master-certified life/executive coach and the founder of Steiner Coaching Solutions. She is a mentor/coach at The Harvard Business School and she coaches individuals around the world. Learn more at steinercoachingsolutions.com.
Answer
T. If you listen to the sounds of those letters, they all rhyme with each other. The only missing letter that also rhymes is T.
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