What I Learned from Getting Sober at 20

My name is Mackenzie and I am an alcoholic. A grateful one.

It’s been almost eight years since my last drink; since my life has been saved. I shouldn’t be here. I have been rescued from a hell that my alcoholism had created. I am aware of this blessing. I don’t take it for granted.

Growing up, I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I had little self-esteem. I hated how I looked, how I sounded. I put my worth into what other people thought of me, or what I thought they thought of me. I wanted to be anyone but me. At 14 I found alcohol and for the first time in my life I felt relief—relief that I so desperately sought since I was a little girl.

Alcohol became my best friend, my soul mate, my everything. It did for me what I couldn’t do for myself: It made me feel worthy and unafraid, confident and beautiful.

Until it no longer did.

The excruciating pain, suffering, and humiliation brought on by my alcoholism brought me to my knees. I was 20-years-old and I was hopeless.

Then one cold December morning I was given the gift that saved my life: utter desperation, complete defeat, and a tiny flicker of hope. The hope came in the form of words from my mother, sitting on my bed: “You never have to feel this way again.” Her words saved my life. That morning I realized that maybe, just maybe, my life might be worth saving. So I made the decision to get sober.

Getting sober young caused some confusion and differing opinions of people around me. I would hear things like: “It’s just normal college drinking!”, or “Yeah but just because you drink too much, doesn’t make you an alcoholic - you’re too young!”, or “You’ll grow out of it!” While I appreciated the kind-hearted “motives” behind these statements, I respectfully disagreed. Addiction does not discriminate, and I feel I am proof of that.

Little did I know then that sobriety wouldn’t just be about not drinking. I would also gain a beautiful life. I would experience a new freedom and a new happiness.

My not having a drink in almost eight years is the result of my desire to live a certain way. My sobriety is not separate from my “real life.” My sobriety IS my life. Everything I have today is a result of my sobriety, and I know what I have to do every day to remain sober. I don’t call this “work” but rather my design for living, my way of life. My sobriety is contingent upon the actions I choose to take. As long as I continue to stay connected to something greater than myself, dedicate much of my life to helping others, and try not to take myself too seriously, I am able to keep this beautiful life I have been given.

To honor my recovery and my choice to live this way, I make consistent efforts on a daily basis. I don’t make decisions based on fear. I make my decisions based on love and faith. I choose to be useful to others. I focus on what I can bring to situations and how I can contribute to life in a loving way rather than focusing on what I can take. This is all essential to my recovery. I am well aware that I have an effect on others, and I strive every day to make it a positive one. In turn, my life has become incredibly full.

By getting sober so young, I feel I have grown up in recovery. I have experienced the deepest, most profound losses and also the most incredible joys. I have experienced the loss of people I care deeply for as a result of addiction. I have seen families devastated by addiction and I have also seen families heal because of sobriety.

Our society has come a long way in normalizing addiction, but I feel we still have a long way to go. I feel there is a suffocating stigma around addiction, and I hope to be a positive force in helping to eliminate it. I believe strongly in the importance of spreading hope to those who struggle.

Today I try to live in each moment. Not if, but when I fall short, I remind myself that I am human. Rather than beating myself up, I try to use those opportunities to grow. When I get in fear, I remind myself that everything is okay. Everything is happening exactly as it should. I wholeheartedly believe that.

I’m not quite sure why my life was saved, but I am grateful it was. I’m grateful that I found a way out of the hell my alcoholism had created. I’m grateful that I don’t have to stay sober alone, that I’m surrounded by people that continue to lift me higher. Sobriety has blessed me with a life that I never thought could be possible for an alcoholic like me, and it continues to get BETTER each day.

Today I no longer just survive: I live. Today, I am free.

In these almost eight years, I have learned that there is so much more to sobriety than not drinking. Sobriety is a chance to heal oneself, forgive oneself, and love oneself.

If you’re struggling and no one told you this today: everything is okay. I’m so happy you’re here. I hope you reach out and ask for help. I hope you stay.

Most importantly, I hope you believe that your life is worth being saved.