3 Practices for Deepening a Friendship
Tara Brach believes we are all “bodhisattvas”: awakened beings growing more aware of our shared love. Traditionally, the term has been reserved for revered past spiritual figures, but Brach—a psychologist, spiritual teacher, and author—believes that misses the “empowering reality that awareness is waking up through all of us.” We all “belong to a field of caring,” she says.
Remembering our interconnectedness can be a salve for deepening our friendships. There is so much fear, othering, and aggression, says Brach. But at our core, we are all vulnerable beings, seeking connection and love.
So how do we lean into that openness and care? How do we show our true selves in our friendships, especially when fear interferes?
Brach shows us the path and helpful exercises to bring us back to each other. “When we remember that we are holding hands with countless others, embodying compassion-in-action becomes more joyful, sustainable, and freeing.”
A CONVERSATION WITH TARA BRACH—PLUS 3 PRACTICES TO DEEPEN CONNECTION
You believe that the courage to be real is at the heart of intimacy. What does true realness and vulnerability in friendship look like?
I was walking on a trail in the woods [recently], tears in my eyes, contemplating leaving the familiar natural refuge that surrounds my home. We are moving, and while I’m thrilled about what’s to come, I’m also sad about what I’m leaving behind.
Some friends appeared, coming from the opposite direction. They knew we had just bought a new house and greeted me with hugs, laughter, high energy, and congratulations. I thanked them, paused, and told them about my sorrow. It felt a bit awkward. I was in a quiet, introspective place, and I felt somewhat self-conscious. But it was okay. I was being real. And in those moments, something in who we were together deepened.
Being real and vulnerable means stretching beyond what is comfortable or expected. It doesn’t mean living in a state of 24/7 raw exposure or insecurity. It means sharing what is truly alive and poignant, and being willing to meet others in their moments of tenderness. It means listening—to our own hearts and changing moods, and to each other.
It means taking the risk of celebrating together the beauty, goodness, and mystery of being alive. And perhaps most of all, it means enduring the vulnerability of expressing our love—and opening ourselves to receive love. The deeper invitation is to let love be both given and received.
PRACTICE #1: Deepening the Truths We Share with Others
Think of a relationship in your life where you want to deepen authenticity and connection. It could be with a close friend, a partner, a family member, or even a colleague.
For this reflection, please choose something that reveals your own vulnerability—perhaps a tender need or longing, an old shame, a hidden behavior, or a part of you that has felt too raw or exposed to share. (This is not the time to bring up grievances or difficult truths about the relationship; that comes in the next reflection.)
Deepen your reflection with the following prompts:
- What truth feels important for you to share in a current relationship—but remains unspoken?
- What might happen if you allowed yourself to say it?
- What are you longing for in this relationship?
- How might deeper honesty help move your relationship in that direction?
- What helps you stay present and grounded when sharing something real?
- What might you need to support yourself in this process?
Before speaking with this person, pause and sense your intention. Ask yourself, Is this coming from presence and vulnerability? If the moment feels right, speak from the heart and let the conversation be a beginning, not a final sharing.
After the conversation, reflect. What was it like to share something vulnerable with another person? What did you notice in your body, heart, and mind during and after the conversation? And what did you learn?
When there’s tension in a friendship, it’s natural to feel the need to fix everything quickly and move on. But you encourage us to “let the conversation be ongoing.” Why?
All evolving relationships have ongoing conversations. Stress is part of the nature of existence, and conscious friendships have seasons of awakening together in the face of conflicting needs, insecurities, and unfaced parts of the psyche. When tension arises in a friendship, it’s natural to want resolution right away. We want to clear the air, restore harmony, and move on. But often that urgency is driven by our own anxiety. We are trying to get rid of discomfort rather than truly understand what is happening.
Some of the deepest moments of intimacy in friendship come when we are willing to stay present through a period of tension or conflict. We share honestly, we listen carefully, and we allow time for what is beneath the surface to reveal itself. There may be hurt, fear, disappointment, or unmet needs that neither person fully understands at first.
When we let the conversation be ongoing, we create space for something larger than our initial reactions. We can continue to reflect, listen inwardly, and return to each other with fresh understanding. The goal shifts from being right or getting closure to deepening trust and connection.
Conscious friendship means both people are dedicated to waking up together. One practice that helps is sensing our true intention. If we can remember that we aspire toward understanding and love, that intention will open and guide us. When both people regularly share their deepest intention, it helps create a trusting container for a growing relationship.
PRACTICE #2: What Is Most Wanting to Be Understood?
Pause and ask yourself:
What is most wanting to be understood right now?
What is asking for attention, care, and curiosity?
That question helps us move from reactivity to presence. When both people value the inquiry that deepens presence, true intimacy becomes possible.
When we are caught in reactivity, it helps to pause and ask, "What am I believing right now?" What am I feeling? What am I most needing? Bringing awareness to our fears and unmet needs allows us to hold ourselves with compassion and return to the friendship with greater presence and less blame.
PRACTICE #3: Remember the Goodness
Pause to remember the other person's sincerity and struggles, and the love that brought you together.
When we are hurt, our minds narrow and create a story about who the other person is. We forget the larger truth of their heart.
Pausing to reflect on the goodness helps soften the grip of judgment and keeps the relationship within a field of care. Friendship, like all loving relationships, is a living process. When we allow room for the conversation to unfold over time, we honor the full dimension of another person's heart—and our own.
For those of us who seek to have a more courageous heart in friendship but are scared, what do you say?
The truth is, we all long for intimacy, and we are all afraid of intimacy. Quite naturally, the more we have been wounded, the less we want to risk getting hurt again. The starting place is facing our fears with honesty and deep tenderness. Our fears are trying to help us. It can be healing to simply recognize that and say, "Thank you for trying to protect me. I'm okay right now."
Being courageous in relationships doesn't mean ignoring fear or making ourselves vulnerable in situations that feel truly unsafe. The key is finding relationships where there is some basic trust and then gently playing our edge. We might share a little more of our vulnerability, express our caring more openly, or reveal something that we would normally keep hidden.
What we practice grows stronger. When we practice stretching beyond our comfort zone, even when we feel insecure, we develop a greater capacity to be with that insecurity and a greater willingness to reach out.
Over time, we discover that we can handle being hurt. We learn that our hearts are resilient, and that we have a genuine capacity to connect deeply with others. In the deepest way, we trust our belonging to life.
That trust and confidence don’t come from certainty—they come from experience.
Tara Brach is a meditation teacher, psychologist and author of several international bestselling books. Learn more at tarabrach.com.
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