Defining Your Legacy Without Having Children
Years ago, I was talking to my barber, who was about to become a dad. He told me having kids mattered to him because it meant his legacy would continue for generations. I appreciated him saying that because I could tell he cared deeply about his family line continuing. I could also see the beauty in tradition, the idea of your family’s last name continuing, the memories your children will have of you, and the physical act of creating human life or choosing to parent through adoption. Every part of having a child makes such an impact that many consider it their life’s defining factor and greatest legacy.
But having children is not everyone’s path.
Since we met 18 years ago, my husband and I have discussed having children, as big families and traditions run deep in our Italian veins. We have been praying hard about this and going over the various scenarios of how having a baby would work, along with the different avenues a couple like us would need to go through to have a child.
We’ve also been honest about how it would significantly change our life. The optimistic dreamer in me, who believes anything is possible, has thought about what it would be like if we really made parenthood happen. We even have a first and middle name picked out that includes our own middle name, which, ironically, my husband and I both share, and if we had a boy, we’d carry it over to honor our fathers while keeping that connection to both of us. It all just sounded so perfect.
More than anything, I know my husband and I would be really great dads. I know we could show our child what unconditional love looks like, and raise them in a safe, consistent, and healthy home surrounded by our extended families.
Today, however, we know that having a baby is not going to happen for us, and we are okay with that. That choice comes with a mourning period that I know so many people can relate to. It is much easier when it is mutually agreed upon as a couple and talked through in deep moments of faith and vulnerability. I am done crying. Those tears were not of pain, but of knowing that so much genuine love could have been given, while also coming to terms with the fact that our answer not to have a child is the right answer for us.
During this time, I have leaned on faith and the guardian angels that guide me in my life. My husband shares these same beliefs, and through this alignment, we know that God really shows up when we face life's hardest decisions.
Here are more lessons I’ve learned through the decision-making process of not having children:
Knowing Without A Doubt
Choosing to have children is a commitment that can’t be shaken, even though it comes with hardships, challenges, and a life-altering turn that you can never fully prepare yourself for. If you have doubt or uncertainty, that is a signal to pause and dig deeper into why you're pushing back. Many of our mental roadblocks in making major life decisions often come from past experiences or being afraid to speak openly about fears and concerns. Once you get to the root of your reservation, you will start to see a clearer path to a more confident decision. With that said, parenting is a united decision of dedication, and actually trying to have a baby, and even being able to, is a whole other chapter of emotions that you have to prepare for.
Considering Your Responsibility and Mental Capacity
My husband and I have been ultimate uncles, so we’ve had some experience with children. Now I know that being an uncle is drastically different from being a full-time parent. However, I am not necessarily talking about just the daily responsibility part (although seeing what parents go through day to day will be a wake-up call for anyone deciding). What I do know is that the overwhelming love we have for our nieces and nephew is so precious it even shaped the trajectory of our life, including where we lived. When my oldest niece was born, my husband and I literally moved from California to Arizona just so we could be closer to her. I share this because, although love for a niece is powerful, it still doesn't compare to being a full-time parent and having an emotional responsibility meter that never turns off. Recognizing that you may not have the mental capacity to raise a child should be seen as a positive, while knowing you do is a strong indicator you are making a good choice.
Learning Your Legacy
Everyone has been brought into this world to do something absolutely great. This greatness I speak of does not involve a scale of how much or how little either. From being an award-winning scientist to a good neighbor, your legacy is defined by your service to others, without needing an accolade or applause. Your legacy is how others will remember you, not necessarily the physical items you leave behind. If you choose to have children, they will certainly be part of your legacy; if you choose not to, the impact you made in your life will still carry weight. When thinking about your legacy, I encourage you to focus on your character, integrity, and kindness to others. What matters is who you’ve become through your life experience.
Having A Sensitivity Chip
The topic of being able to have children can be an emotional topic, especially if you are currently struggling, experiencing fertility challenges, or cannot have biological children of your own. Let's remember that sometimes the most polite way to ask another person about having children is not, “When are you having kids?” but rather, “Do you see children as part of your future?”
Lastly, I want to acknowledge and celebrate all the parents out there who find genuine fulfillment in parenthood. Many of you inspire others to follow the same path. We need you. For those of us who have chosen not to be parents, please know that the youth in our lives are still watching. The love, wisdom, and compassion we leave behind is very much our legacy, and they will be the ones to tell all about it.
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