“Fatherhood is Love”: How One Couple’s Unexpected Journey to Parenthood Through Foster Care Helped Them Find Their Purpose
Sometimes, despite our best efforts or our purest intentions, the future can be unclear. That truth, sprinkled with optimism, is a feeling PJ and Thomas McKay know well, and seemed to be the theme of their story when it came to their dream of having children.
Regardless, the McKays, who have been together for 12 years, began discussing the names of their future kids after dating a month and a half. “It was always the goal, even before we knew we were going to be together,” Thomas tells me over Zoom. “We also knew that, because we’re a same-sex couple, the path to parenthood would be more challenging for us than it may be for other people.”
When considering which route to take toward fatherhood, the McKays, whose passion for renovation and interior design have brought them a massive internet following and a run of an HGTV show “Down to the Studs,” considered every option. Surrogacy was their first venture, which involved lots of Zoom meetings, applications, and conversations with other father duos who had gone through the lengthy process. Although the pair was accepted by many of the programs, they decided to press pause on the surrogacy route.
Private adoption also seemed like it could be a fit. But there was some uneasiness when it came to the process, as there is potential—albeit, slight—that the adoption won’t be finalized. While private adoption works for so many families, the McKays decided to explore one more option before making a final decision.
“When we looked at foster care, everything clicked. We were like, ‘Oh my goodness. This is the path that we were searching for,’” says Thomas. The couple is, admittedly, not overly religious, but felt there was a calling on their lives to pursue becoming foster parents. Thomas continues, “There are already so many great kids that are in need of a good home.”
According to the latest data available from the Child Welfare Information Gateway, there were 407,493 children in foster care in September 2020. This number of children in the foster care system remains roughly the same from year to year, a reality that emphasizes the need for increased focus on these kids looking for a good home. AdoptionNetwork.com, a resource for families looking into adoption, states that, of children eligible for adoption in the foster care system, almost a third of them will spend three years before being adopted or exiting the foster care system.
To become certified foster parents, PJ and Thomas had to take a two month course, once a week alongside other interested families. “We realized how much information there was and how much responsibility there was.” The couple considered postponing their dreams for a few more years, but ultimately homed in on the root of their timidity. “It was fear,” Thomas says. “It was fear of the unknown. But, how can you really prepare for parenthood?” They stayed the course.
After becoming certified, PJ and Thomas’s case worker actually expedited their approval because of an urgent need to house a sibling trio. “The system is so drastically short on homes, and they’re short on good homes,” says Thomas, alluding to the unfortunate reality that some become foster parents for the wrong reasons, whether it be money or attention.
Following along with this journey on their YouTube channel, you can see the couple is giddy with excitement to welcome their first placement. There were, however, many expectations to face—both as it pertained to the process of fostering and the role of parenting. “You have certain expectations of yourself about what type of parent you’ll be. I thought I would be the parent that has snacks waiting for them and I’ll clean the house all the time,” Thomas daydreamed. “You have to throw all of those out the window—especially going from zero kids to three.”
The rollercoaster of emotion mounted another climb when, after bonding as a family unit, the kids left the McKays’ and moved in with their biological grandmother who had attained foster care certification. This departure was a mandate from the foster care system, as its ultimate aim is to reunify families. The heartbreak that PJ and Thomas felt only reinforced that this journey was their calling—and, after only a brief stint away, the siblings returned to the McKays’ household, and they haven’t left since.
PJ and Thomas ended up fostering the siblings for two years before officially adopting them almost a year ago. When asked about what fatherhood means, Thomas leans into what he says might be a bit cliché, but undeniable: “Fatherhood is love. It has been challenging and special. It has been everything and nothing I thought it would be.” Thomas knows mistakes will be made, but “if you are just showing up and showing your kids love, that is all they need and all you need.”
Fatherhood has grown their love for each other, as well, and helped Thomas and PJ see each other in a new light. “We thought we had seen the fullness of each other—the worst of the worst, the best of the best. But nothing is compared to parenthood. PJ is such a natural teacher and I love watching him teach the kids new things and watching him get down in the dirt to play with them.” That expanded perspective isn’t just toward each other, though. “I have learned more about myself in the last three years than I have in my entire life,” Thomas muses.
Toward the end of our call, the conversation drifts into the topic of Pride month, and what this journey has taught the McKays about representation. “Growing up we never saw two dads together,” Thomas says. “It wasn’t a thing in our town. Even just seeing that kind of representation in our small town would have been life-changing.” And they recognize the torch they get to carry. “Sometimes change is as simple as being there, existing. We aren't there to educate—we are happy to—but we aren’t there to preach. We are here living our lives. If our community can see us, see our kids, and see that we’re raising them to be kind and loving people who put kindness first, maybe that’s all they need to open their mind up.”
PJ and Thomas McKay are husbands and fathers with a passion for interior design and restoring old houses, even filming a TV show about it for HGTV called Down to the Studs. They live in Tennessee with their three children, Allan, Riah, and Anna. You can learn more about their story on their website, PJandThomas.com, and on their Instagram and YouTube channel.
