Understanding Your Emotional Triggers Is Your Responsibility. Mental Health Practitioner Miyume McKinley Shares How We Can All Do a Better Job at Recognizing Them
It was a moment that took the air out of every room: On March 27, 2022, Will Smith walked onto the Oscars stage and made brief-but-violent contact with Chris Rock. Heads spun after. Conversations ensued this past week. Why did Smith respond that way? Was it wrong? Justified? Harmful?
Like countless others, we were arrested over the incident here at The Sunday Paper. We were also fueled to talk about it—and to lean into what that moment can teach us. That is why we reached out to Miyume McKinley. A licensed mental health therapist and workshop leader, McKinley works with people to help them break generational cycles of abuse and trauma and to unlearn unhealthy family patterns. We asked McKinley about the critical takeaways from the Oscars moment.
Rather than pointing a finger at what is right or wrong, McKinley put the onus on the one thing we can control: ourselves.
A Conversation with Miyume McKinley
Let’s start out with the incident at this year’s Oscars. Regarding the violence of that moment, what do we need to be talking about more?
A lot of talk is centered around the legal ramifications of what could happen. What is wrong, good, bad—with people going back and forth about what they think should and shouldn't happen. But one important thing I want to throw into the conversation is the importance for each of us to have an understanding of our own triggers so that we are more aware of what can lead to unhealthy emotional responses.
We need to understand our own triggers and be aware of what we call in therapy our vulnerability factors: the things that make us more emotionally sensitive overall (i.e., illness, divorce, family problems, etc.). When we do not know our triggers, we are more likely to respond from [what we call in therapy] emotional mind which often leads to impulsive behaviors fueled by pure emotion. When we respond while in emotional mind, we rarely are thinking of the consequences of our behaviors. That is why having a better understanding of ourselves is a critical part of this conversation. The more you understand your triggers, the less likely you are to respond from an emotionally charged place that can have negative consequences.
When we see in the public sphere physically violent responses to things people disagree with, thinking particularly of young men and young women, what message does that give to them?
Of course, many people have been saying, ‘this is wrong.’ Many are saying ‘this is violence’ and ‘what are we teaching our young children?’. My hope from this is that young men and women can understand that for every action there is a consequence. It is important that they understand that one decision can truly impact your life. The takeaway is when you have an unhealthy response fueled by pure emotion, it may have negative consequences for you, your family, your reputation, or your business amongst many other things. This is about being more aware of our triggers and learning how to manage emotions when triggered so that we have healthy responses to challenging situations. When we operate in emotional mind, our feelings control our behavior, disabling our ability to problem solve or consider all options. When we can’t problem solve, we can’t choose a healthy response and have little control over our actions. When we do not have control over our behaviors, we often allow others' actions to trigger us to step outside of our own integrity and operate outside of our character. It is important to be able to pause before responding to ask yourself, will an action be helpful or hurtful? Does it speak to the type of person I want to be? Does this action represent my character and how I want to be perceived?
When we witness someone acting from an unhealthy emotional state, what is the healthiest way to move forward?
We have to reflect on our own thoughts and feelings regarding what we were exposed to. This will help us to understand how we were impacted, if at all. If a person feels triggered due to being exposed to a situation, it is important to seek support from friends, family, or a professional. It’s important to be in a space where you can freely share your thoughts. Everyone will embrace their own truth which can be difficult when opposing truths exist. However, agreeing to disagree may be an option to consider when it seems everyone can’t get on the same page.
We see violence normalized in movies. We see violence normalized in families. It is a cycle that's perpetuated. How can we begin to break this as a society?
Violence has definitely been normalized largely due to the advances in technology. We see it in video games. We see it on social media. We are in a society where technology allows us access to everything with the push of a button. Especially with the younger generation, my heart goes out to them because due to easy access to violence, it is easy for them to become desensitized to the severity of violence. That’s why it’s really important for the powers that be—parents, leaders in the community—to assist kids in understanding of what's helpful and what's hurtful. What's appropriate and what's not appropriate. It’s important to have discussions about morals, values, integrity and consequences within families so that healthy foundations are built and strengthened.
It's up to us to have those conversations on platforms like this and to put the knowledge out there so that people know that we have a choice in how we respond. Not only is it important to discuss whether or not a violent action is appropriate, right or wrong; we have to discuss whether the action was healthy or unhealthy. If unhealthy, we need to talk about healthy alternatives. What other choices are possible? In order for unhealthy behaviors to be changed, a healthy alternative has to be known. So if violence is becoming more normalized due to the constant exposure, exposure on how to manage difficult emotions has to become more normalized as well.
How can we work through heated moments and ensure that we respond with integrity?
The first step is to understand triggers that cause unhealthy responses
We all come from different backgrounds and cultures. We have different experiences. We grow up in different households. What's normal for you may not be normal for me. Due to all of us being different and having different experiences, we have varying ideas of what is appropriate, inappropriate, disrespectful, wrong, unsafe, etc. which means we all have different triggers. We cannot change our life experiences, however, we can create new ones. So it's up to us as individuals to understand the root of our triggers based on our lived experiences, and understand how they influence our behaviors and perceptions of others and the world. Once we have this understanding, we have to practice replacing unhealthy behaviors with healthy behaviors until the healthy behaviors become our norm.
The second step is to be aware of our vulnerability factors.
A vulnerability factor is anything that makes you more susceptible to respond solely from your emotional mind. Remember, when operating from emotional mind, our feelings control our actions resulting in impulsive behaviors and little regard for consequences. Vulnerability factors can vary, from having a migraine to the death of a loved one. It’s anything that increases stress and most of us don’t respond well under stress. This is why our emotional health and mental health is so important. When we are emotionally healthy we are in tune with our emotions. When we are emotionally healthy, we are aware of when we need to engage in self-care or ask for emotional support due to an increase in vulnerability factors. When our mental health is a priority we are better able to manage our emotions and have healthy responses to challenging situations.
The third step is to be aware and focus on what’s within our control.
We cannot control others, our environment, or unforeseen circumstances, however we can have control over our responses. Managing our emotions and controlling our responses becomes easier as we learn the root of our triggers. When we do not take the responsibility in understanding our emotional triggers, other people or situations can become the puppet master of our behaviors. No person or situation deserves that much control over. In every situation, make an effort to find what elements are within your control. Please know that focusing on what's within your control does not mean you cannot be assertive, however, it does mean that at times integrity takes precedence over immediate emotional gratification.
Is there anything else you’d like to add, Miyume?
There has been so much talk about this recently. People have been asking [regarding the incident between Will Smith and Chris Rock]: Do you think it's wrong? Do you think it’s right? That is going to be based on who you ask. What I have been thinking about is: What do we want to take away from this? What else can be considered and reflected upon that could possibly reduce conflict and pain and promote teaching moments and healing. It was an act of violence and an unfortunate situation. And in a world with so much violence and hatred, I hope we see that when appropriate, acknowledgment of an unhealthy response or an apology can create an opportunity for the repair of the relationship or situation.
In addition, we have the option to forgive. People often feel that forgiveness means condoning a situation so they hold forgiveness hostage. Rather, forgiveness is a cautious choice to not allow the actions of someone else to birth bitterness within you. Forgiveness does not mean you have to agree, trust or establish a relationship. Forgiveness is about making a choice to keep your peace and refrain from carrying the emotional baggage and residue of others' decisions. Though repair may not be appropriate for all situations, forgiveness is always an option. Though at times it's often easier said than done, it is a healthy option.
Miyume McKinley is, LCSW, is a licensed mental health therapist, speaker, and workshop leader. She is the host of the TV show Epiphany with Miyume, which sheds light on some of our greatest emotional struggles. You can learn more about Miyume at miyumemckinley.com and follow her at@ephiphany_miyume.
